look no pants
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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