He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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