please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
