I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
