I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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