I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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