Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
