so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
