sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
