This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
