Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
