plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
