Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
