I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
