Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
