i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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