did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
