I don't usually arrange sex via text message
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
