Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
