You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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