Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
