well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
