Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
