Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
