how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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