I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
