i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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