Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
