somebody snuck up and got me drunk
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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