I'd wear matching sweaters with you
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
