I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
