i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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