This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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