my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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