if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
