"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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