a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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