broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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