My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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