I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
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