i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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