no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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