I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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