gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
