you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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