I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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