So gin and wine won't be happening again
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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