I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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