It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
