just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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