About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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