Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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