Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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