I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
