so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
