weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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