Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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