the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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