if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You're like the curious george of whores
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
