I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
