Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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