We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
