I am puke
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
