Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
