Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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