He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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