omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
